I have made a conscientious decision to stop writing about and talking about my fears and anxieties. I know that by being raw and vulnerable and opening up those wounds and exposing them to those of you who read this blog especially has been like a balm for some of you. It’s good to learn that others have fears similar to ours. It makes us feel less alone in this world. It comforts us to know someone else out there is struggling and if that person can overcome their fears and push through them, so can we. Brave heart warriors willing to dance with these darker emotions are needed to help us navigate through our own emotions and help us evolve. However, I am putting aside my warrior ways for now. I have fought the good fight by standing in the trenches of the dark emotions and facing them head on. And a lot of wisdom and magic have come out of those moments and have prompted me to grow and change. A lot.
To quote one of my favorite authors and creative mentors, Elizabeth Gilbert, “Fear is boring, because fear only ever has one thing to say to us, and that thing is ‘STOP!'” It’s time to push on through to the other side of fear. It’s time to shed the old skin of the badass warrior woman. Time to take off my Wonder Woman bracelets and slip into something a little more comfortable and lighter.
What prompted this decision to stop focusing on the fear was because I suffered three weeks of physical chronic pain right before and after my last blog post and am just now coming out of that. I have started seeing the old biological patterns of fear in my body that have been there since I was at least 16: the achy pain in my right side and outer hip/buttocks region; the wobbly leg syndrome; the tight calves; the low blood sugar and erratic sweating that makes me pass out (which thankfully I haven’t done since I was a teenager). My parents and doctors never really could figure out what that was all about. I’ve had bouts of this freakiness since then in various forms which culminated in pain a few weeks ago where I could barely walk up my stairs into my living space. Prior to this episode, I had not experienced even a small degree of that pain for over 4 months. That was immediately after I made the freeing decision to begin this journey.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that part of the chronic pain is from asymmetry in my body (my hips are a little “wonky” and an X-ray once showed my knee joints are slightly misaligned). We are also a society that sits a lot and weaken our muscles and I’ve been sitting more than usual these past few months. I also must face the reality of being 41 and I’m more than likely starting some perimenopausal symptoms where muscle and joint pain is caused by shifting hormones. And I’m aware that sometimes my diet and the wrong type of exercise (like hiking up and down over 500 stairs at a state park and then driving home and falling asleep instead of stretching out my muscles) can exacerbate it.
All of that scientific stuff set aside, I know in my heart-of-hearts this chronic pain is also a result of old biological patterns in my body that have been prompted by some fear-base mentality I have carried around nearly all my life. I’ve lived a good portion of my life being “stressed out,” worried about the future, or always believing something bad was going to happen even if everything is good and pleasant at the moment. In the past three weeks, I have become aware of the fact that I clench my jaw any time I feel too happy or excited about all the possibilities before me. I sit watching TV with my inner thighs squeezed together so tightly that I am sitting up on the knots of my butt muscles. I drive down the street and feel my rib cage is so tight because I have shallow breathing. And every time I take notice of these bodily sensations, I scan my mind and find that without a doubt I am living some part of that moment in fear and panic. I even get afraid of the thought of being in pain that I seize up and don’t want to move. Then there’s the flip side: I move too much and overstretch because I’m trying to shake out all the antsy feelings within me.
What was I afraid of? It couldn’t be some big bad predator like a saber tooth tiger out to get me, (although my body was reacting like that was the case). If I examine my fears closely, I can say I was afraid of being too powerful. Too beautiful. Too sensual. Too creative. Too loving. Too free spirited. Too much. So, I shrunk myself down to stay in the game of living a scripted life. When, in reality, every part of me was longing to be free of 35 years of schooling. I’ve been living that life since I was 5.
So, today, I decided enough of following that script. Enough of living completely in my mind and strategizing my next move (although, let’s face it, I’ll probably always be somewhat of a strategist and planner. Those are some awesome skills to have as they set me up to make the bold move that I did). Enough of worrying about people telling me they’re envious of me. Enough of feeling like I’m being selfish for making this lifestyle change. It’s time to live directly from my body. From my heart. From my spirit.
Every single day for three weeks now, I have softened into my body, meditated, accepted the moment, and given thanks for at least three things that have happened to me, no matter how big or small.
Today, I focused on sweetness. I asked my body what it wanted to do today. What did it need in order to feel whole and happy. It asked for a strengthening yoga practice followed by longer, softer, gentler stretches and holds. I gave that to my body. I asked my spirit what it needed. It asked for 20 minutes of silent meditation and prayer and to be in nature by going to the University of North Carolina’s Botanical Gardens. I gave that to my spirit. I asked my heart what it needed. It asked for a day’s outing to eat a sweet meal, go to my favorite store “The Bee Charmer” in downtown Asheville, and to people watch. I gave that to my heart.
Yet, my fear wasn’t about to be left behind. It flared up in the form of a shaming voice that told me that I really shouldn’t eat the Challah French Toast stuffed with honey cream and blackberry sauce with two strips of bacon. I became aware of the masquerading fear and silently said a prayer of gratitude when the waitress brought my meal. I ate it with reverence and a sense of pleasure. Fear’s voice said, “You shouldn’t eat sugary things. This is bad for you. It could hurt your body and you could get a cramp in your leg.” I smiled and took another bite, savoring the creamy texture, the sweet and salty mix of blueberry and bacon. Silently I let my body speak to my fear. She said, “Please stop. This meal is eaten in gratitude and with pleasure. Your opinion no longer matters.”
When I went downtown, I heard my fear speak in the form of guilt as I purchased some local honey, a t-shirt, and a necklace with a drop of honey in a small amulet. Fear’s voice said, “How dare you buy anything for yourself. You don’t have a job anymore and you should not buy anything that isn’t for mere necessity. You’ll regret this when you’re on the verge of being broke and you might go homeless.” I smiled as the sales clerk handed me my lovely purchase and silently I let my heart speak to my fear. She said, “Please stop. This purchase was made in gratitude and with pleasure. I will use all of these things as a reminder that my life is so very sweet. Your opinion no longer matters.”
I arrived at the Botanical Gardens, which is on the UNC campus and right near a busy road. I started walking over the bridge and down to the creek and could hear the traffic through the pines, the sycamores, the ashes, and the laurel trees. The chirping of the birds was competing with the whir of the engines. I again heard my fear speak, but this time in the form of judgment. Fear’s voice said, “This place is terrible. How can it be beautiful when there is so much urban traffic flying by?” I smiled as I climbed over moss covered stones to sit near the creek and watch butterflies and dragonflies dancing with one another. Silently I let my spirit speak to my fear. She said, “Please stop. This time outside is spent in gratitude and with pleasure. The birds, the bees, the butterflies, and all the other creatures are perfectly content living here. In fact, they’re thriving. And these flowers, plants, and trees, give shelter and a loving touch of Mother Nature to remind us to stay connected. I think all of this is beautiful and natural. Your opinion no longer matters.”
I squatted next to a Red-Spotted Purple butterfly as it opened and closed its wings on the creek bed. My spirit felt so much love to be watching a beautiful creature up close.
I walked in the sunlight across the lawn to a small trail that led to a gigantic sycamore tree. I placed my hand on the trunk and looked up and suddenly memories of being a child flooded my mind. I saw my cousins, my little sister, and me playing on the old tire swing that was hanging from the large sycamore tree in our grandparents’ backyard. We were so happy and carefree. My heart filled with love.
I climbed a set of stairs built into the dirt and tree roots, and my footing was secure and I had no pain. My body was at ease and in its element. That’s when I realized, I had left my fears behind.
No more will I allow fear to control my days. This will take mindfulness and some level of self-discipline. Yet, all I wish to share right now are moments of beauty and love. Of awakening to a higher sense of purpose. Sweetness and joy. Insight and gratitude. Pleasure and easiness. And from these things, I choose to bring forth all of my creativity and set it to work: playing, growing, living, writing, drawing, teaching, listening, being, loving, and most of all finding pleasure from the mystery of the unknown.