I went to the fortune teller. She took a look at my palm. She said, “You will be going through changes when you are 34, 35, 36 years old.” That was two years ago, on my 33rd birthday. I hadn’t planned on going to get my palm read. I don’t believe in that stuff. But, we were at a weird bar, “The Venice Cafe” in South St. Louis, and I was drunk. What was $20 when I already had blown even more cash on booze and food?
While looking at the fortune teller, I fell for the gimmick. Maybe there is something to seeing a person’s future. Here it is two years later (I’m almost 35!), and I am feeling the transitions inside of me, and seeing it happen as well. My hair is different. It’s gone from wavy to a really corse tight curl. My cellulite is creeping up in places I never thought existed. Who knew elbows and calves could hold fat globules? Fine lines are starting to crease around my eyes, and dark circles underneath my eyes take longer to fade. I’ve even bought concealer which is a big deal seeing that makeup isn’t something I wear on a regular basis. I could go on and on about the physical changes, but I’m not going to. It’s natural. I deal with it fairly well. I want to be like Meryl Streep when I grow up: no make up, showing my lines, letting my hair hang down, and living happily in my own skin. The change that is exciting me (and sometimes disconcerting me) the most is internal.
The fortune teller told me that I would be “coming into my own” during these transitional years, and that it was important to pay attention to and to learn from them. I don’t know what the hell that means, and I surely don’t know what to do with that advice. So, basically, I threw that advice out the window. Yet, it creeps up on me when I stop and think about it. I am a very focused person who tries to learn something every day about myself and figure out the meaning of such random and mundane tasks. It gets tiring sometimes. But, I am obsessive and compelled to try and figure things out. I have control issues, yes, but I also have a curious soul that just looks for the commonality in things and people and the connection of them to me. So what are some examples of the things that I’m paying attention to? My attitude towards my day and people for one thing. This morning, I was at the YMCA intent on working out (who knew that the fat globules on elbows are hard to exorcise?), and a nice looking man came up to me and started talking. I had to take out my earphones to hear what he was saying. He repeated it again, “I see you all the time here, and I told myself that one day I would come up to you and try and make you smile.” Immediately I smiled. Pick up line? Yeah, probably. But, it was a nice to know that someone has noticed me and wants to see me smile. Immediately I felt lighter and sexier (even in workout clothes and sweat). All of us want to be paid attention to. In the past, I tried everything possible not to bring attention to myself, and now here I am trying to change that. To “Let my light shine” a little bit more. Good to be reminded of that.
That smile led to more smiles at the grocery store later when a woman approached me and asked me what aisle the popcorn was on. And the smile grew into a longer conversation with Kelly the checkout clerk who asked me about my summer, my 4th of July, and shared with me a sweet story about her daughter’s present to her husband for Father’s Day. She remarked that she always sees me smiling (funny that I had to be reminded to do just that this morning) and didn’t believe it when I told her I was really grouchy yesterday morning.
Another change that I’ve noticed is that I’m not worried as much about others’ opinions of me. It’s time to stop feeling like (and thinking and acting like) the nervous, shy teenager who worries about every detail of herself before presenting the final package to someone. I screw up on a regular basis, and it’s liberating to know that in the long scheme of things, it doesn’t matter much. It’s time to be a little more unguarded and vulnerable. Doesn’t even the desert flower have to open up to the harsh conditions in order to bloom?
All of these changes are starting to metaphysically show up around my house as well. I’ve always believed that an organized, clean desk, for example, is a reflection of your state of mind. In the past few months, I’ve cleaned out closets, thrown away or given away unsentimental items, shredded journals and old love letters from old flames, painted my living room, dining room, and hallway. Now I am living in the middle of stacked boxes and displaced furniture in order to prepare for new hardwood floors in all of my upstairs’ rooms. I don’t know how I want to redecorate my downstairs rooms, and I don’t have a picture hung up any place. I need a new computer desk, and I’m tired of my old drawing desk as well. Old furniture I bought from Target and put together 10 years ago has got to go, and it is slowly getting replaced with more sophisticated, stronger and beautiful furniture. It’s as if my house is coming into its own as well. Oddly, I’m not 100% sure on how I want the finished projects to look. But, I could say the same for myself.
Maybe I should go see the fortune teller again? Or, better yet, I should just let things happen on their own and see what comes my way and what I can do with it all. Besides, the fortune teller said that she couldn’t read my future past the age of 75, so I need to get a move on things!